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Thread: A Little Laugh

  1. #181
    PSU Member oldpipe's Avatar
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    6 members Liked or found this post helpful.

    Quote Originally Posted by allyby View Post
    Now that's funny.
    ​Tom

  2. #182
    Moderator jimbo44's Avatar
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    Reading list:



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    Last edited by jimbo44; 02-12-2019 at 12:12.
    Work is the curse of the smoking classes

  3. #183
    Moderator Brooklin Bill's Avatar
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    A Vegan Pork Pie. A champion. Just what is the matter with you people?

    https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...ie-Awards.html
    "The box with the least amount of matches makes the most noise." MWB

  4. #184
    Moderator jimbo44's Avatar
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    On the first day, God created the dog and said:

    Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

    “For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

    The dog said:

    “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

    Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

    “For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

    The monkey said:

    Monkey tricks for twenty years?

    That’s a pretty long time to perform.

    “How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said:

    You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.

    “For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

    The cow said:

    That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.

    “How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

    Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.

    “For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

    But the human said:

    “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

    “Okay,” said God.

    “You asked for it.”

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

    And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    Work is the curse of the smoking classes

  5. #185
    PSU Member Catman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimbo44 View Post
    On the first day, God created the dog and said:

    Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

    “For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

    The dog said:

    “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

    So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

    Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

    “For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

    The monkey said:

    Monkey tricks for twenty years?

    That’s a pretty long time to perform.

    “How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

    And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said:

    You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.

    “For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

    The cow said:

    That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.

    “How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

    And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

    Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.

    “For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

    But the human said:

    “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

    “Okay,” said God.

    “You asked for it.”

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

    And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    Very good!😉


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Livin' the pipe dream....

  6. #186
    Moderator jimbo44's Avatar
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    What it's like to be British

    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

    • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

    • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
    Work is the curse of the smoking classes

  7. #187
    Moderator Markus1970's Avatar
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    4 members Liked or found this post helpful.

    So that's why I feel very much at home I'm Britain.

  8. #188
    Moderator Brooklin Bill's Avatar
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    Hang in Thomas:

    last hope.png
    "The box with the least amount of matches makes the most noise." MWB

  9. #189
    PSU Member Rockbass's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brooklin Bill View Post
    Hang in Thomas:

    last hope.png
    8bdf1e0269d44ba7ceac4802e5a67c62.jpg

    I know you will help.
    I can resist anything but temptation.

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